Monday, November 29, 2010

The tortoise probably knew love better than the hare.

I think I finally get it.  I think maybe we do, or at least are starting to.  This thing we have butted heads over forever, always ending with exasperated cries of "you just don't get it!"

After years of our fighting over what I thought was money and respect, I realize it's not really one or the other... it's something kind of in between which gets tangled up with cultural differences and customs regarding reciprocity, value and so on.  I could not for the life of me explain it since really, last night sitting on the couch and talking was the first time I felt the veil starting to lift on this one, this tough nut of a problem we have as yet been utterly unable to crack.

I'm not saying it's solved, because it's not.  Things in a relationship usually don't change overnight or get fixed up in a snap, but really, in order to solve a problem you must first understand it, and given that neither of us felt at all understood on this one prior, these little steps forward are both encouraging, and kind of terrifying given that letting anyone in on my innermost thinking is always kind of terrifying.

I have a feeling, that possibly, after this long talk we had on the couch last night, that boyfriend maybe understands a little better the things that matter to me as I do the things that matter to him.  I'm really hoping that there will be more talks like this one; constructive, calm, restrained, honest, loving, and respectful.

It wasn't easy, but we were both calm, and for the first time in a long time when discussing these matters, I really felt as though there was someone sitting across from me who was trying, very hard, to be a supportive partner.  I felt like I had a person sitting across from me who really wanted as much as I did to smooth this wrinkle out, who was tired of hurting from it, and who was ready to try and put in the hard work to get past this, to figure it out so we can get better at being with each other.

It's always easier said than done of course, and I don't think for a moment we've cleared this hurdle, there will be a lot of work we have to do before I could confidently feel we've laid this problem to rest.  I'm relieved however, that finally we both see it a little more clearly, that we are closer to agreement on where the problems lie, and that we've realized there isn't any other way to clear these hurdles than as partners if we hope to finish that way.

Here's to talking, patience, and persistence.

1 comment:

Efrutik said...

Kudos! Your post makes me miss my relationship a was like a flashback into my times with my boyfriend when we would talk like that. It definitely takes a while to get to that point and hard work to keep it that way. Great post!