So my 'metaphorical cupboard' is actually just somewhere where I can be kind of alone if I want. But there are of course other people here so I am not alone, it isn't quiet, and people being people are prone to being social, which I get and think isn't bad at all except this isn't the best space for me to hear my own thoughts clearly. Virginia Woolf was spot on.
Do you know what never fails to distract me hopelessly, and instantly makes me mildly stabby? Any person or thing that makes too much noise with their mouth. This doesn't really include talking so much as all the other noises like lip-licking, excessive spit-in-the-mouth while speaking, noisy eaters and so on. These small noises stir big feelings in me. It's completely irrational and a little scary how I react to it when I'm near some otherwise innocent person who is guilty of just this. Every time their mouth moves I have to remind myself that they are not bad and that it would be bad to hurt them. It's truly a primal impulse.
Know what else does that? Balloons. When someone is rubbing their hand over the surface of a balloon, I could literally appear from nowhere behind them, and snap their neck just to stop them from making me feel so weird with *that sound*. It is my 'nails on a chalkboard'. Obviously I'm not always good at birthday parties. Mylar balloons would be advisable. You don't even know how much restraint is involved for me around those people who make balloon-animals.
SO as you may have inferred, I am not getting much thinking done here, and with all the distraction the thinking I'm doing isn't really high-quality. I've had one completely horrifying dream, and another that was quite unpleasant, and some interesting conversations, but am I clearer on what I need to be clearer on? Not much. As they say in French: ç'est déja ça, but I can't help but feel that I am kind of acting like an ostrich here. I haven't found my adult-sized cupboard. My head is hidden, but the rest of me is comically still there, and clearly not solving much.