Monday, August 23, 2010

Dancing with a partner after dancing solo.

Given that there are no suitable adult-sized cupboards to hang out in (at least not that I've found, yet,) I've come out, and am hunched over my usual coffee-table, on my usual couch.

There has been some very intelligent talking here, which isn't so bad at all, and boyfriend seems to be aware that I left for a little not as some way to try and make him feel punishe, but rather because I am a spazz who used to hide in her bathroom cupboard to think more clearly as a child, and who as an adult still needs to take herself out of a situation like that now and then for the same reasons.  Sometimes when I feel 'too close to something' I can't think about it clearly.  Crap like Friday just pressurizes and scrambles me, so I left to regroup and to try and continue thinking about these big things:

I am 32, and have interrupted the successful direction of my life in Toronto to be here with Boyfriend, which has left me asking myself how I am going to give myself that same sense of positive forward momentum I was rolling along with before coming here.  Now that I can survive here and the basics aren't so overwhelming, and now that my status here is a little more solidified, it's time to look at these things.  I have been thinking about them, albeit more abstractly (as you may have picked up on,) for awhile now.  Slowly, things are coming into focus and I'd prefer to arrive at some conclusions sooner than later.  Time slows for no person, after all.

There are things I have realized I could do here more easily than there (in TO) and there are things I've realized I'd be much better off doing in TO as originally planned.  There are things I realize I or we want to do, but I'm not sure that they are actually do-able, or if they are do-able that they are really advisable.  There are new opportunities I didn't have available to me before that I do now here, too, and I guess I'm trying to figure out how to make the best of all of these things, in the smartest way possible, while closing as few doors for me and us as possible.

Some things are best done before others, some choices limit others.  It's kind of a big thing, trying to figure out how to retain that sense of freedom and trying to figure out how to be supportive of each other's efforts while not losing anyone or having anyone 'lose it' or have to give up something really important to them in the process.  We don't want either of us to end up with regrets.  This is really important for both of us on a heartfelt level.  Unfortunately, while it is a noble desire it is no simple affair.

I'd already made decisions and plotted them out in a timeline for myself in Toronto, I knew I could do them where I was and they were happening.  He was doing the same here in Belgium, and now that we are 'we', and we are here... figuring out how to make that satisfying and to still be able to both do what we want to do is about as cool as re-writing a 20 page essay after a hard-drive crash when you've lost your notes all on the night before the damned thing is due.  Actually, to be more accurate, it's like already having solved a labyrinth to find your life-path, and then having someone lay a completely new one in front of you that is 3 times as complicated, handing you a partner to solve it with (who sometimes has their own, differing ideas about which direction you should take,) and having to start all over again.  You really have to like your partner a whole lot to go through all that bother, particularly when you've already found a perfectly good solution to that other labyrinth and solving this new one is completely optional.

Fortunately we like each other a whole lot.  Even more than a whole lot, and we are crazy enough to think we may actually be clever enough to do this eventually, possibly even in style.  That is, once all the swearing and foot stomping has died down a little more and we've grown up a bit.


Anonymous said...

An inspiring (and hopeful) entry :)

Efrutik said...

This is a very raw and expressive entry. It's comforting to hear this kind of evaluation of one's life.

Alice said...

Life is just one darn labyrinth after another. Navigating them together is more fun but also more challenging...that's love for you :)