Saturday, July 3, 2010

Falling down, all around.

It felt more like floating and flying, though.
That, just up there in the link, is the sort of falling I find quite agreeable, as you can see.  (Go on, give it a click.)  And for me, blissfully, it had nothing to do with fear.  I was happy to finally be trying it, and now that I've done it I can say that I'd certainly be happy to do it again, even to learn how to do it by myself.  Ah yes.  Special thanks to bootube for deciding that I must replace the original audio.

There are the other kinds of falling down too though, and I've been suffering a little from them.  No, it's not the heat, unless existentialist dread counts as a form of oppressive heat.

I feel like I am making real progress in my life at about a tenth the speed of a snail, and it's resulting in me feeling a little frustrated and disappointed with myself.  If only all things in life were as quickly done as the decision to jump out of a plane.  I don't know if the disappointment is because my standards for myself and the amount I should be able to accomplish are too high (likely) or if it's because I'm honestly lacking the motivation (also likley.)  Part of me wonders if this is actually what it means to get older... to have a list of things you'd have been able to move along through a hell of a lot faster if you were younger, except now you're getting up there, and time is moving faster than you are.  To be honest, though it doesn't bother me intensely, (yet,) I can't help but feel I'm in a bit of a holding pattern.  It's a little boring, and I'm trying to figure out ways to spice it up.  What's eating me at the end of it all is the question "what are you really doing with yourself right now?  With your LIFE?"  Obviously on a superficial level I know what I'm doing at every moment, but the deeper part of me, the one that wants to carve out something amazing, is nagging.

I am quite aware that I owe you some food porn, but it's just not happening for the moment.  I have a pile of half-written posts with pictures here, but none are done, and don't you know I'd like to at least be doing something right.  Even if it's kind of wrong already because I've broken my promise of getting them up here in June.  Will you forgive me please, since I can't seem to forgive myself for the moment?

And, now that I've shuffled my feet and worked up the courage: the cherry on the cake.  *Things* here are... not fully recovered from the last good row.  There are glimmers of love, signs of indifference, and occasional snarls all bundled into the same day.  It's rather confusing.  There is a grey tinge that hangs around us like a stain you can't get out.  Even when we have a happy moment, our sky still remains overcast, a little ominous.  Is it broken?

We are supposed to talk about goals, but this discussion hasn't gone very far, as it seems (this is just my guess) that both people are terrified of committing to a joint plan and are wondering before they even really open up if what they want is truly compatible with what they have (or think they have.)  Can this other person really compromise?  Really be a team player?  It's fruitless, all this nervous un-talking.  It comes from fear, of course.  Fear of losing what you have.  Fear of only ending up with what you have and nothing more, ever.  Fear of accidentally rending a good thing asunder by tampering with it too soon, pushing it too far too fast.  Fear of having to make more gigantic efforts... because so far we have been anything but ace with each other while under the intense pressure of changing locations, (and we both know already that there will be more location upheavals.  Will we be better at it the next time?  Fear of not having any stability or the support of loved ones.  Fear of not finding a solution that at the very least can give stability - that both people want to work forward to.  We want to be on the same page, but we worry that we may not even be reading the same book!

I worry that we are still too immature or emotionally stunted, or perhaps just plain selfish to really think and talk as a "real couple".  And tonight!  Tonight has given me little hope that we might be closer to improving in this area.

The accountant visited briefly to express his opinion that I should now contribute to pleasant offerings initiated solely by him, made to his family.  I said I had never asked that he contribute to anything I'd given to my family, BUT (and here is where I decided to try and be more 'couple-minded' about things) I said that he should tell me how much he felt I should give him.

So.... how do you get angry when someone is trying to compromise despite differing opinions, someone who wants to come to an understanding and is willing to try and give you what you want?  That was a new one for me... My effort at compromise was scornfully brushed aside because ... because why?  Because I don't think the same way as someone else though I'm willing to compromise?

I still haven't been told any amount, but have been told other things.  All they have helped to do is to make me ever more suspicious that I may be in the boat with someone who would rather fight about principles to the death, than put in the work of putting aside egos and becoming two different people who are good at being together despite their differences.  It was certainly not encouraging.  The wind is a little out of the sails, and for the moment it's me, trying to force optimism on myself, blowing at the sail, trying to spot the oars.  You know, like that proverb: if there is no wind, row.  Because seriously, it is lame that two otherwise intelligent and seemingly compatible beings get tripped up on things like this.  What with his past and mine I can definitely see why this sort of thing is an issue, a potential hot button, but really... we have brains, shouldn't we be able to sort this out?  It is all so, so lame that I feel guilty even bothering the rest of the interwebs with my problems.  I guess I'm asking myself if this whole process we're going through for the moment could be classed as growing pains, or some other, more ominous kind of pain.

And though I'll write about it, I won't fight about it.  It's too ridiculous.  A bit shameful, really.
Ah, and there's the heat I guess.


Anonymous said...

Well, it has to be vented somewhere. And sometimes fighting just isn't worth it. A discussion would be much more fruitful but, I guess, I've never had a 'discussion' without someone being a little agitated. Well, good luck..

Oh, and I admire your courage! I would love to jump but I'm not sure I could do it without huge hestitation...

Jessica said...

Thanks! It seems we're slowly mucking our way through it. Comme les ados, I guess. Already better than comme les enfants.

As for the parachuting, you just have to trust someone (the person strapped to you) for a second. They've done it at least 1000 times to be able to take you and have special training to do it. It's absolutely worth it!