Sunday, May 23, 2010

One sad little facebook status.

(translation): "Jessica likes you all, but will not be there tonight due to a dispute with (boyfriend).  Embarassing to say, but at least it's the truth."

This, after I said I couldn't do what boyfriend wanted to do tomorrow, (which was a little urban exploration that trended to the dangerous side - I said no because I don't yet have safety shoes here, and for this one I think it'd be wise to have them.)  I even said that I was interested in doing it another time, (and I am,) just when I don't think I'll impale my foot.  Nonetheless, boyfriend decided to become short and snippy with me after this.

Not one to tolerate less than positive or neutral treatment, I decided to get ready, let the situation breathe a little, and go upstairs to read.  Boyfriend got ready, and then came up to see me.  "So, are you coming?"
I explained that I'd be happy to go, but that I'd like to go with a companion who is treating me respectfully, not someone who is going to be snippy with me simply because he hasn't got exactly what he wanted.  Because I just don't feel like going out to a barbeque to feel mildly estranged in front of a group of boyfriend's friends.  Not my idea of fun.  Kind of more like public torture, with a very long apero.  I made a point of saying that I'd be happy to go, and that I had wanted to, but that really the only thing causing me feel less than good about the function was his behaviour toward me.

At this point, boyfriend went through a convoluted series of statements.  I believe he was trying to convince himself that what I'd just said about wanting to be treated correctly must in fact have been not at all about the desire to be treated correctly, but in fact was coded language for "I don't like your friends" (not true,) or "Raaa, you only bought sausages and I don't want to eat them so I'm not going" (also not true, and ridiculous.)

Then came the petit chantage... "what shall I say to them?" boyfriend asked.  "The truth" I said.  "I'd be happy to go but that we aren't getting along very well tonight."  Boyfriend followed with: "I'm just going to tell them that you don't like them."

Do you see what's going on there?  The whole "I'll tell them something horrible unless you come and act like nothing is wrong despite how I've been treating you just now" thing?

Funny how the other night at dinner I was saying to belle mère that something women like about men is that they seem to retain more of the "esprit de jeunesse" (youthful spirit), but that something women dislike about men is that they seem to retain more of the "esprit de jeunesse".  Tonight that "esprit" can go elsewhere.  This would be one of those evenings where I find the manifestation of said "esprit" unacceptable.

I'm trying to be supportive where I can, since the esprit hasn't been doing wonderfully of late, trying to be restrained when I feel compelled to use expletives, while remaining honest with everyone all-round, and not compromising my own values.  I figure in a situation like tonight it's best to remove myself from the equation and leave boyfriend with his friends.  But that whole bit of bullshit about telling the friends I don't like them?  It doesn't fly.  So what is the lesser of all evils?  Sadly I believe it is this sad little facebook status.  How terribly, horribly shameful.

Meanwhile, I realize there is only so much one can do with calm self-restraint before it becomes bondage.  The black pool slithers into the corners of my mind, feeling opportunity, and the true cynic in me (positively outraged at the social blackmail attempt,) says "well, there it is again, right in front of your face... This is who you are with.  What were you hoping for, darling?"


"I'm coming back in my next life as a neutered rabbit."  I recall hearing my mother say this when I was a little girl.  And you know what?  I totally get it.


EFRUTIK said...

Jessica, I think you said a lot here of what you actually feel and think. As the last lines in your post say "This is who you are with. What were you hoping for, darling?"

I'm no expert in relationship, having had only one serious boyfriend in my short dating life period. But things always seem to me that the "other person" ought to be someone to expect much from.

It's fine you didn't want to go, so you didn't. I think that boyfriend ought to take your needs in concideration more than the opinion of his friends as it seems he really cares about what others think a tad much ....

I need orange said...

Anyone who doesn't care what you want or how you feel is not a friend....

Anyone who would lie about your motivation in a hurtful way, ditto......

Neutered, I can see, but rabbit?

No. Something with claws and fangs and vertical pupils.