Monday, May 10, 2010

In a haze.

I have not blogged for a week.  I fail as a bloggeuse, because I am not a content-generating machine, and sometimes I just feck off for a week.  I'm sorry to those who came to check on me and found nothing new.  I did not die.  I have had my head firmly wedged in my navel.

The truth is I've been doing a lot of self-questioning this past week, along with working and getting down to business on a bit of paperwork.  (Anyone who doesn't know this should be informed right now that being an expat anywhere usually increases the paperwork quotient of your life by about 2, at least.)

The result so far of all my self-questioning seems to be a thin mist of guilt, and the feeling of "now what?"  If it seems rather unspecific, don't worry, it does to me too.  All I know is that my mind is wandering about, trying to figure something out (what, I'm not sure, though I recognize the feeling,) and in the meantime I'm drifting aimlessly, waiting for the answer to come back, the next set of directions.  I'm on hold in my own life waiting for me to get back to me.  Great.

As well, I thought about making chocolates this week.  It's true that I think about this often and do it little, but the thinking keeps getting more serious.  It can only build so much in me until I HAVE TO, even if it means doing battle in the alcove of doom.  The kitchen at work is so perfectly set up for making truffles, and all that does is encourage my urge.  Gorgeous stainless steel surfaces everywhere, ideal lighting and temperature.  I could make thousands of chocolates happily every day there.  But we do not make truffles at the hotel.  And so, instead I have my frustrations building, and only the alcove of doom to work with.  That prospect is ... less than inspiring.  I am bundling up my courage though, because damnit... I can't just not make chocolates ever again.  It's been more than a month since I brought my tools back from Canada.  I have what I need now, at least enough to give it a go.  The time is nigh.  ish.  Ughhhh.

And here is the featured guilt of today:  Yesterday I went to belle-mère's for dinner.  Yesterday was mother's day.  I had planned to call my sister, mother and grandmother in order to wish them happy mother's days respectively, but instead, I once again underestimated the power of a Belgian dinner, and ended up being rolled into bed by boyfriend in some sort of food and drink coma.

It's just not really the same to call the day after, is it?  This would be one of those areas I tend to fail too often, actually; Timely Gestures.  They are always thought of and then missed by my becoming too involved in something else and not remembering until it's too late, or they are thought of and then hesitated over, and should they materialize it is much much later.  I mean well, but sometimes it just doesn't amount to much actually happening.  I don't feel good about that.  So what to do now?  I have no idea.

I suppose for now, I wander off back into this cloud and try to get something done.  Something that will make me feel that I can do good things.  Something productive.  Something to assuage my general self-ennui.  If you could just point me in the right direction?

1 comment:

EFRUTIK said...

Hi Jessica,

Welcome back after your break. Yes, you were missed. You know a bit of time to self-reflect is a good thing and sort of bitchy at the same time. Sorry for vulgarity. I keep stumbling upon the same questions now. Ok, finished with university, just quit the temporary job I hated, and finally got my citizenship. But what now? I want to travel, but dang it just isn't that all easy. Then problems with my ex...who is still sort of my bf. Gosh so much to deal with.

As for your chocolates. Please make some and eat them all! lol, well that is of course keep your Wi Fitness in mind, it might just notice.

Oh and do give them a call. Yesterday I called everyone during a later part of the afternoon...which was late by timely standards. But oh well, they were still all happy to hear from me. I'm sure the same is for your loved ones!

Chitika