Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I admit I have problems, to the whoooole internet.

If you want funny today, just look at this, but don't read the blog entry that follows it.  (if the tiny print is killing your eyes you may have to click the image for reading ease)

Thanks to superpoop for the comic.
Ok, now click awayyyy......

Boyfriend is angry about my blogging of personal things to do with our problems.  He would prefer I had spoken with him about personal things.  I tell him I've tried, and that he hasn't heard me.  I *wish* that I could share these things with the person who is closest to me (him,) but since the listening and understanding thing isn't working so well right now between us, these things go here, to what has become more recently a sad little outlet.  My "little pretty virtual life" as he calls it.   :(

Boyfriend doesn't get blogging, and resents it.  Does not like my typing things about him to the whooole internets.  I have tried to explain that for me like many, blogging is sometimes cheap entertainment, and sometimes cheap therapy, which beats costly kinds of stressed out or crazy any day.  I have also mentioned that the whole internet is likely about 3 people as far as this blog goes.  I've mentioned the fact that writing a journal is one of the best self-help methods you can use to work through troubles, according to many psychologists tying this into my explanation of one of the many reasons why I blog.  I cannot keep myself bottled up, and as I haven't made a bevy of French friends here to feebly try and talk to about these things.  Even if I had, would I want to burden them with my woes?  Hell, I feel guilty knowing that some of you may not have clicked away after the 'old people fighting for meds' picture and are walking along with me through these darker posts.  Grateful, but guilty as well.  At any rate, there are many good reasons for me to blog, including that it helps me to sort myself out.

I am accused of spending my day online, of having little human contact.  This is not true, and though I'm definitely not proud of how much time I spend online some days, but I know for a FACT that my internet consumption isn't actually huge (which means I'm not ashamed of it either.)  Boyfriend doesn't like the interwebs.  He is mildly old-fashioned and finds them creepy.  He works with computers for a living, but does not own his own personal computer (!)  He watches TV, not much, but more than me.  I prefer to read the news online than to watch it on TV, I do my banking online, keep in touch with friends back home, research all manner of things I find interesting online, and, well, I happen to like the internet and think it's a pretty crazily fabulous tool.  Entire nations agree with me (Finland has made access to internet a human right!)  So I use it enough.  Mind you, I do not have a blackberry, and do not use twitter.  I would have to admit I may have a problem should I begin tweeting.  I judge not you tweeters and crackberry users out there... I just haven't found a good enough reason to personally justify my being *that* connected.  The internet is not an escape, but it is certainly a support for me, and more so since I'm here, a wobbly-kneed baby expat, feeling stumbly, less secure, and trying to find my footing in all manner of things.

Anyhoo, ironically, (since he says he wants to know what I'm thinking, and I say he doesn't pay attention/listen,) when he decided to pop in on my blog, he didn't even read the entire post and missed out on the parts where I explain why he is so dear to me, and why this whole situation causes me anguish.

On the subject of where we are, we don't want to lose each other, but it seems that each suspects it may be easier for both of us as individuals in the end.  Boy doesn't believe a professional can help with his nervousness, and seems to think I believe a professional is actually a superbeing who will magically make my boyfriend into someone else.  I don't want someone else, and I certainly don't believe a professional is a superbeing.  I just want someone who is a little more aware of what they are doing/saying/hearing, and believe that sometimes a trained professional can help us do the work we need to do to arrive at a desired point with a little more efficacy than we could were we feeling around in the dark, grasping for a solution on our own.

I tell boyfriend he hasn't even tried to see about getting help, and I can see that for his own internal reasons, he doesn't want to.  Boyfriend says he thinks I want him to go see someone so that I can feel superior... like it's *him* who has the problem.  Boyfriend doesn't in fact, think he has a problem, he tells me.  I tell him it's a problem because it's causing a problem with his personal relationships.  Meanwhile I WISH I could afford a professional to talk to right now.  I freely ADMIT that I have problems at the moment, and that the support a professional could offer me would be for my benefit.  My GOD, it should be PART of the REQUIRED package of becoming an expat, that you HAVE TO do at least, like, a quarterly visit with a shrink who can make sure you're at LEAST dealing with your day to day and adjusting ok.  I am not proud of how I'm dealing with day to day right now.  Rum was part of how I dealt with yesterday.

After spending much of the day lying in bed, trying not to be swallowed by a black pool of truly terrifying thinking, I realized that I am weaker each time this happens.  I have less strength to be composed, to try and remain rational.  I realized this because I haven't had to deal with the black pool for quite some time.  It's a morbid and damaging place, that dark pool of thought, and I'd prefer it kept away.  Also I realized yesterday that under intense mental pressure, I suffer from vertigo.  Half of yesterday was spent very uncomfortably dizzy.  My body is just no good under pressure, it freaks out whenever bad things are happening in my mental spheres.  I become more panicked and more nervous each time I sense a nervous irrational argument on our horizon, and less and less able to deal with the aftermath.  In a word or two: I'm falling apart, my reserves of self esteem are failing, I can't do this, or deal with this by myself.  I'm just not that strong.  Realizing this makes me feel corralled into accepting that if I stay here, with this continuing the way it is now, I'll only be hurting myself.

In the interests of my own sanity (the black pool of horrid thinking is a *very* scary thing,) I put it out there.  I admit my weakening state to boyfriend and say that this is not something I can deal with forever, or even for a lot longer.  I think it has to be said because I realize that to many people in my life, I seem much stronger than I actually am.  I point out that we have talked about this before, that I have been clear in saying this is a situation that needs to get better because it hurts me.  And now, the seeming lack of change (or perhaps it's so slow I can't really see it) is obviously wearing me down.  I say I need the support of hope in order to try and stay strong while we work on this, I need to see something getting better.  I have nothing supporting me right now other than myself, and I see that support weakening in this situation, because there is no hope for me to hold onto if boyfriend thinks he can fix this on his own, because even if he could, it's not going to happen fast enough for me to be able stick around to see it.

Finally I say that if my ability to support my own health and sanity seems much more threatened than it already is (I am under strain, already, and visitation by the black pool of dispairing thought yesterday is enough to terrify the crap out of me) then I will have to remove myself from a situation that is more than I can bear.  I need to see change, and time is running out for me.  I have already been waiting, and boyfriend has decided to do nothing during that time while I waited, and wilted.  I say that I am considering not returning from our visit to Canada if I feel that nothing is happening for the better, and that perhaps a period of distance between us while he works on his issues and I on mine might be best.  I am terribly sad to have to say this.  Even worse, boyfriend thinks it's an ultimatum.  But it's the truth.  I know my limits, and I feel myself reaching them.  Trying to hold onto hope and patience in a strange place while nothing about this problem has really changed for the better has taken a significant toll on me.  And I know that I will *certainly* need a professional if it comes to that, because I will be so broken and such a mental mess should the day arrive where I leave a man whom other than this, I find so very wonderful.

And that's how it is with my problems.

EDIT*** Evidently I'm not the only one in Belgium with problems.  The Bulletin informs us today that Belgians are among the highest users of sedative pills.  In related news, I am now accepting surplus Xanax donations.


Jessica of Hey, Mons! said...

Hang in there Jess. You have to do what you have to do, and if that means time apart and moving back then do it! There were I few times I fell into despair in italy, but fortunately it was just expat life and not my relationship. Had we not moved to Belgium, we would have moved to the US. I just couldn't deal with italy anymore. Blogging was sometimes my only outlet, my husband doesn't understand it either but I think I would have freaked out if it weren't for that and the internet in general.

Sorry, I was rambling there for a minute (lack of social life here).

ANYWAY, I wish you guys the best though, I hope you will find happiness in whichever decision you make.

A said...

I see you are in Liege but try and get to Brussels on occassion where there are numerous other expats going slowly bonkers. Keep Feb. 28th in mind. It's the gold medal game for the olympic ice hockey. Assuming Canada is in the game there should be a couple of bars (de Valera's or Fat Boys) with at least a few Canadians in attendance if you want a random Canuck conversation. Game starts at 9pm here but you'll have to check out the last train to Liege. Anyways, just a thought.

EFRUTIK said...

Hey Jessica,

I don't have enough time to read your entire post right now as I am getting ready to hit the road(read my blog for details). BUT I do want to let you know that I read some of what you had to say and DO NOT EVEN THING ABOUT STOPPING YOUR BLOGGING!!!

That's all for now I will be back laters.


Jessica said...

Jessica- I couldn't agree more about the internet helping to keep expats sane. Honestly, I have no idea what expats did before the internet existed. Those people were TOUGH, I guess. As for the lack of a social life, I sooo know what you mean. I was not the most social butterfly in Toronto, but MY GOD what having few people to talk to will do to a girl! Mons isn't so far away... ;)

A- you're absolutely right about the company of other anglo-crazies and even other Canucks! I'd been petitioning for a move closer to Brussels if/after the whole cohabitation visa matter got straightened out (I'm here this year on a working holiday visa.) I come from a big city, and I feel MUCH more at home, like there are more opportunities for someone like me, and more like there are things I'd be interested in taking part in when I'm in Brussels. I feel less "in my shell", which is a healthier feeling I wish boyfriend would support. I suppose we'll see though, given how much of the future feels up in the air for the moment.

Olympic hockey and Team Canada! I'll definitely have to try to get my butt into Brussels for some of that! Thanks for the bar names too, I've hit up O'Reilly's a few times for the joy of Guinness and hearing English conversation, but wasn't really aware of other expat haunts.

Efrutik- lol, I promise I won't stop. I've been blogging in one form or another since 2004, and it's something I really enjoy, whether others get it or not doesn't matter to me (though it's nicer when they do.) Hopefully you didn't get lost on your trip... did you find any lost treasures?