This morning I tried to apologize for being abrasive in the 'espionage conversation' with boyfriend yesterday. This, unfortunately led to a whole stupid re-hash of the argument, ending with me being asked why I am here.
So I'm looking at train tickets, plane tickets and so on to go and live up to the label I've been given of "enfant gâtée" (spoiled/poor baby), to sulk (ideally in other parts, since sulky meditation is never very pretty,) and to wonder seriously to myself "why AM I actually here?"
Well, I know I'm here because I love him, and I was hoping we could cohabitate and share life like loving ADULTS tend to do. But I guess I'm asking myself if that is actually realistic. Is it realistic to try to love someone who at least partly believes that I hate their friends, (which I don't) and that I'm spying on them, (which I'm not,) and that asks me why I am here (um, because I love you incredibly much, enough to leave my job and friends and life in another country to come here and work really hard at trying to be with you, duh.)
Some questions cut really deep when they come from people you care about. But I've learned that usually when people ask you questions that cut you a little, it's a sign that maybe it's something you should really, seriously think about. I've been asked few questions in my life that hurt a great deal to consider, but that have ultimately provided me a wealth of clarity in life.
So I'm trying to figure out where to hide myself for the next few days to have a little peace and think about it. What the hell am I doing here anyways? I have to say the question, to start, doesn't make me feel terribly wanted, which I guess is why it cuts me.