Monday, January 18, 2010


This morning I tried to apologize for being abrasive in the 'espionage conversation' with boyfriend yesterday.  This, unfortunately led to a whole stupid re-hash of the argument, ending with me being asked why I am here.

So I'm looking at train tickets, plane tickets and so on to go and live up to the label I've been given of "enfant gâtée" (spoiled/poor baby), to sulk (ideally in other parts, since sulky meditation is never very pretty,) and to wonder seriously to myself "why AM I actually here?"

Well, I know I'm here because I love him, and I was hoping we could cohabitate and share life like loving ADULTS tend to do.  But I guess I'm asking myself if that is actually realistic.  Is it realistic to try to love someone who at least partly believes that I hate their friends, (which I don't) and that I'm spying on them, (which I'm not,) and that asks me why I am here (um, because I love you incredibly much, enough to leave my job and friends and life in another country to come here and work really hard at trying to be with you, duh.)

Some questions cut really deep when they come from people you care about.  But I've learned that usually when people ask you questions that cut you a little, it's a sign that maybe it's something you should really, seriously think about.  I've been asked few questions in my life that hurt a great deal to consider, but that have ultimately provided me a wealth of clarity in life.

So I'm trying to figure out where to hide myself for the next few days to have a little peace and think about it.  What the hell am I doing here anyways?  I have to say the question, to start, doesn't make me feel terribly wanted, which I guess is why it cuts me.


EFRUTIK said...

Hmmm I do hope you had that moment where you were able to think of things. I saw your post-runaway message so I hope you had that time indeed. Think it through and feel it through as well. I know what mean by "cutting questions" from those whom you love indeed.....

Jessica said...

I did. Though I will never agree that I am a spoiled person, I have no problem admitting that I can act like a moody bitch at times. Not often, but when I do, it's pretty fabulous.

I think the question "why am I here" is a sore spot for me, because it's a question I've asked myself at times when the going has been rough, not to mention it somehow implies to my oversensitive self that maybe I shouldn't be here. It's not the case at all, of course, but I'm the same way when people ask me if I'm ok... the first thing I wonder is "why are they asking me? Do I seem like I'm not ok?"

EFRUTIK said...

I can completely see how difficult it might be for you to even be there and still pose that question to yourself at the same time.

Don't beat yourself up for it the way you admitted things to yourself about your character is a huge thing already. Plus seriously you are such a trooper for doing what you do, it's great to say the least!

Jessica said...

Aw, *blushes* thanks for the encouraging words!