Wednesday, July 15, 2009

One surprise after another

So, we just about broke up last night. I have never felt more sick or sad. I didn't see it coming at all, though I know we have our problems I suppose I've always figured that patience, and the desire to improve would see us to where we needed to get to, even if we are slow learners at the whole 'being better communicators' thing. But, making what feels like the same mistakes over and over again gets really tiring, and it stings a bit more each time, and seems to reenforce the doubt that we are capable of learning to be better communicators with eachother. It's true though, that each time we run into this similar looking wall, I wonder what we haven't learned and why we don't seem to be able to learn it, or at least not nearly fast enough. It seems that while I feel I am running out of steam here, that it's possible my relationship is too. I have never felt so... like I might just be f-ing my life up, entirely.

After a rather gut-wrenching evening (I felt like I was dying inside and hardly slept,) it seems we are both still not wanting to let go of each other just yet, because we love each other, though we both agree we can't really take any more of how we've been making these mistakes of assuming things about each other, not listening well enough to each other, being defensive. It has to change, because if it goes down like this one more time, I think we're both just toast. The scary thing is that we've known it has to get better, and what would make this time any different? Do we see it more clearly the closer we get to it; the undoing? Today I feel like someone standing on a thin sheet of cellophane, stretched over a big scary hole. :(

In other news, I missed the postman today, but he left a slip in my mailbox saying there will be something waiting for me at the Post Office tomorrow. Since I hardly ever receive mail here, and have never received something that couldn't just be dropped into the mail-slot, I'm quite curious.

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Chitika